the worst weekend

some conversation from late friday afternoon into evening:

the baron: baron has bloody diarrhea. i think i'd better take him to the doctor?
the husband: call the vet and see what they say.
the baron : ok.

and later:
vet tech (coming out of an exam room): can you move to the other side of the waiting room? this dog coming through isn't very friendly to other dogs.
the baron: ok.

and later:
doctor (approaching the baron and baron in the waiting room, hand extended to shake the baron's hand): hi i'm-
baron: BOOMING BARK
doctor: (quickly withdrawing her hand)
the baron: i'm sorry! he's got a little guarding thing with me.
doctor: it's ok. i'll just take him away from you to do the examination.

and later:
the front desk guy: your total is $225.
the baron: ok.
vet tech (looking for a customer in the waiting room): gandalf? is there a gandalf here?
the baron (under her breath): did he just say gandalf?
front desk guy (under his breath): i think he just said gandalf.

some conversation from saturday into sunday:

3:40 pm-ish:
the baron: hello?
the husband: hello.
the baron: where are you?
the husband: i am in lovely newark, new jersey! the flight is delayed until sometime after 5.
the baron: my stomach still hurts.
the husband: go to the emergency room!
the baron: ...

5pm-ish:
tech: fill this cup with urine. here's a wipe.
the baron: ...
(10 minutes later)
the baron (handing a teeming full cup of urine to the tech): here you go.
tech: thanks.
tech 2 (observing the urine level in the cup): she got her money's worth today...

5:30 pm-ish:
the husband: flight delayed until 6:15.
the baron: ...

7:06 pm:
the husband (via text message): On tarmac still haven't left.

8pm-ish:
a nurse leads the baron into an exam room.
nurse: put this gown on and remove all your clothes.
the baron: all my clothes?
nurse: yes. all your clothes.
the baron: am i having pelvic exam?
nurse (with a nurse ratched-esque cock of the head): mostly likely.

11 pm-ish:
the baron: do you have any chapstick?
the husband: no.

12:30 am-ish:
doctor: how are you feeling?
the baron: fair. i'd say my pain level is around a 4 or a 5.
doctor: hm. unfortunately, the ct scan shows that your appendix is enlarged, with symptoms consistent with appendicitis. we'll call the surgeon, to set up surgery for tomorrow.
the baron: well, can i go home until then?
doctor: uh, no. you'll be staying here.

1 am:
the baron (calling her high school friend, a doctor): hello?
doctor: hello the baron! how are you?
the baron: doctor, i have to ask a professional question of you: i'm in the er and have just been diagnosed with appendicitis. they want to operate on me later this morning. should i do it, or should i get a second opinion?
doctor: you should NOT wait. have it done as soon as possible. if you wait, there's a chance that your appendix could burst, which will complicate the surgery. if your appendix is intact, they can do the surgery laprascopically, which is fairly easy. also, the healing time is shorter.
the baron: ok. thanks for the good advice. the husband will be in touch to let you know how it goes.
doctor: you'll be fine. i'll be waiting to hear from the husband.

1:30 am-ish:
(the phone rings in baron's er room)
the baron: hello?
surgeon: ms. the baron? this is the doctor. you're having abdominal pain?
the baron: yes.
surgeon: for how long?
the baron: since about 7:30 saturday.
surgeon: and where is it?
the baron: in my abdomen, on the lower right side.
surgeon: as you know, your ct scan came back with signs of appendicitis. it's important that we operate soon to remove the appendix. we will most likely go in laprascopically, which means we'll make three small incisions in your abdomen. using cameras, we'll remove the appendix that way.
the baron: uh. have you done this surgery before? are you good at it?
surgeon: oh, yes. i have done it many, many times before.
the baron: uh, if the incisions are small, how will you remove the appendix?
surgeon: we'll put in a bag, inside your abdomen, and then we'll pull it through one of the holes. the holes will stretch.
the baron: uh.

7:30 am-ish:
(phone rings in the baron's new hospital room)
the baron: hello?
surgeon: hello, ms. the baron? this is the doctor. i've scheduled your surgery for 8:30 am.
the baron: ok.
surgeon: someone will be in to get you around then.
the baron: ok.

8:45 am-ish:
anesthesiologist: have you had surgery before?
the baron: yes. last november.
anesthesiologist: what'd you have done?
the baron: thyroidectomy.
anesthesiologist: how did you do with the anesthesia? handled it no problem?
the baron: fine, it was fine.
anesthesiologist: ... so, november's not a great month for you.
the baron: i know, right?
the husband: maybe next november you can have your ovaries removed!
the baron: ha!

2 pm-ish:
(post surgery)
the husband (opening the baron's hospital room door): hello! i brought some stuff for you.
the baron: yay!
the husband (unpacking the bag): here. i brought some chopsticks - a single one from home, and a pair of takeout ones.
the baron: is there food in that bag?
the husband: no? i thought you could only have liquids?
the baron: (thinking)
the husband: and, here's your t-shirt from the rinard gallery! and here's your shoes, and a sweatshirt because it's coooold outside!
the baron: did you bring any chapstick?
the husband (holding up the chopsticks): yes, right here!
the baron: i said chapstick. why would i want chopsticks in the hospital?

3:30 pm-ish
(on the way home)
the baron: can you believe i had surgery this morning?
the husband: well, if you have one organ removed every year you won't have to worry about weight gain.
the baron: true.