happy christmas

reader, christmas is the baron's favorite holiday. she loves the decorations, the alleged feelings of goodwill toward humankind that are evinced by this time of year. she loves the cold, and the vacation days. she loves picking gifts for the people and dogs she loves. she loves, most of all, the actual day, where she and the husband and the rest of their four-legged family can be together, totally together, without the distraction of the dreaded blackberry, without the hassle of traveling somewhere else. they all stay home, they all stay together, her small family of 7.

it's one of her VERY FAVORITE days.

this year's christmas was an exceptionally good day. the baron and the husband had a house guest, a four-legged one - sasha, who was genial and easy to please. the dogs were mostly friendly to him; there wasn't much by way of tussling over toys, and by christmas day, sasha had been with them for the better part of a week anyway... which meant that peace reigned among the dogs.

see sasha, below:


the baron usually has a good bit of anxiety about shopping for the husband. she believes him hard to please in the 'shopping for' department; this year, she took EXTRA SPECIAL CARE in selecting his gifts. and, though she is loath to admit it, portland had a hand in helping her with her shopping.

one of the very best things she found for him came from this store, in portland, purveyor of all groceries vegan, including what you see below: vegan rice crispy treats.



for the dogs, the husband bought two new, HUGE dogs beds, intended for the big dogs. baron and harlan have other plans for those beds:



reader, the baron hopes you had a good holiday season.

ps: she'd like to tell her mother to PLEASE use those place mats, which are 100% cotton and 100% machine washable. it took the baron some 100+ hand-sewing hours to make them, and the thought that they won't get used (but will instead be used for decoration) is VERY DISTRESSING to her. so please, for the baron's sake, just use them. then wash them! see how easy?

the worst vacation ever, full stop

reader, the baron's back in town, fresh from her vacation to beautiful portland, oregon! she traveled there with a childhood friend, jrr, who is right now debating whether or not to move to there...

the baron has recounted her trip a fair few times already and is kind of tired of the whole thing. for you, reader, she'll spare the gory details and give you the truncated version.

the lowlights:

-even for the baron - a californian who hasn't quite fallen in line with the east coast's way of doing things - portland seemed a little sedate. like, real sedate. like, everyone in the airport seemed stoned... even the sober people.

-snow, and lots of it. as soon as the baron's plane descended below the cloud line, she could tell that the day was not friendly. once she saw a report from the local news, she figured that the week wouldn't be that friendly either.

-snow, and lots of it, brought the city to a standstill, which meant that many of the activities jrr had planned were, uh, CLOSED.

-snow, and lots of it, meant that walking the neighborhoods of the city (a necessity for jrr, who wanted to pick a new place to live) was super DUPER difficult.

-snow, and lots of it, pretty much confined the baron and jrr to the hotel. which meant that tv and books were all that they had to amuse themselves. which meant that they were pretty much together the whole time. which meant that they kind of, occasionally, got on each others' nerves.

the highlights:

-portland is mellow. it was kind of refreshing to go without attitude from baristas/sales assistants/cabbies/waiters.

-vegetarian house. within walking distance from the hotel, and the best hot and sour soup EVER.

-the festival of the last minute, where one can find lots of interesting and one-of-a-kind gifts, was not nearly as frightening as this sounds:
the baron: where is this place?
jrr: same place at the saturday market...
the baron: yes?
jrr: under a bridge and, uh... some tarps.

-sweet masterpiece, a small chocolate shop in the pearl district.

-snow, and lots of it, kept them mostly inside. however, they did venture to powell's books, maybe the best. bookstore. ever. the baron found patchett, didion, and fadiman - o my!



-the portland public library, which sold this bag for a mere $21:


otherwise, the baron is glad to be home. she missed the husband, she missed the dogs, and also? her feet weren't warm for like a week. oh, and jenn? don't move there, PORTLAND SUCKS.

things she thought...

the baron has had an eventful couple of days. saturday saw the husband and the baron at a girl scout event, then off to a friends to meet a couple of cutie kitties, then the baron took a plane to portland... busy, right?

so, the baron was thinking:

-girl scouts seem ok, except for all the references to god and that bit about 'respect your elders'.
-portland seems ok, except for the raging snow storm that's essentially brought the city to a standstill.
-the hotel seems ok, except that the bartenders kind of suck and this typing, right now? costing the baron $5.95 for 15 minutes. (that's how much she loves you, reader.)
-the dogs will be ok, since life, period volunteered to give them their midday walk.

so, today, the baron and her friend will be braving the cold, cold (seriously, 28 degrees is the high today) weather to visit voodoo donuts, herbivore clothing company, and maybe powell's bookstore. yay for them.

photos of decembers past

reader, the baron is in a pretty good mood today. it's friday, it's the office holiday party, it's sunny out... she's feeling some alice cooper in her bones, like school's out for summer, like school's out forever.

oh, and also? the baron will be out of town, and out of the office, next week, visiting portland with a friend. the baron hasn't been to portland, has no idea what the town might be like; she only knows that it's cold there. but, she's game for an adventure.

so.

all that to say that next week's posts will be, at best, intermittent, and at worst, non-existent.

in the meantime, amuse yourself with the photos below, from last december:

here's baron, under last year's tree (also, strangely, with a mexican-themed tree skirt).

here's dexter, getting her snow on.

here's tucker, making for the camera like the world is ending!

here's baron again, post (i-recently-ate-a-plastic-squeeky-toy) surgery. in truth, this photo is from last january... but the eating of the squeeky toy happened in december, so the baron thought it counted...

sew this!

reader, the baron is pretty excited about the holiday break coming up. because she works at a university, at a state university, the baron will be lucky enough to have a pretty good chunk of time away from the office - almost two weeks to be exact!

the baron already has plans for her time off... one big, long overdue plan.

she'll be making roman blinds for the sun room.

the sun room windows are currently shielded by horizontal blinds, really ugly ones that don't do much for keeping the cold out or the heat in this time of year.

to replace them, the baron picked the fabric below, which she will fortify with black out fabric. on the whole, the baron is pretty excited about this project, some two years in the making.

what the what?!

reader, the baron is angry.

the baron had taken the day off work, to take care of some weekday-only errands, including a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment, and emissions testing for her 1996 saturn. on the whole, the baron anticipated an easy day, business interspersed with couch time.

but.

the dentist ruined it for her.

the baron typically LOVES the dentist, being that she has pretty nice teeth. it's true, her teeth are jam-packed crooked in the front, on the bottom, but the cleanness of her teeth (especially BETWEEN her teeth) in spite of the jam-packiness always impresses the dentist. the baron, having been one of those children who loved to give the right answer, responds positively to this teeth-centric praise.

but.

this morning's appointment started as usual, with the dentist and the dental tech and the baron all crowded into a rather small exam room. the dentist pulled out the baron's last set of x-rays, from june of this year, and began her examination and cleaning of the baron's teeth.

halfway through the exam, the dentist made a noise. then the dentist spent quite a bit of extra time on one of the baron's bottom molars.

so.

after the exam and cleaning (and flossing, which was a first for the baron, being flossed by someone else), the dentist had this to say:

dentist: i am concerned about this molar. i would like to take an x-ray of it to get a better look.

the baron: well, what do you think is wrong with it?

dentist: let's not speculate. let's get the x-ray first.

so.

an x-ray was taken.

a short time later (really short, like 4 minutes later) the dentist returned to the exam room and pulled up the new x-ray.

dentist: you can see here there is obvious decay under the filling, not too too close to the nerve. your have two choices... the first is to have the filling removed, the decay cleaned out, and a new filling put in. the issue with this option is that, if too much of the tooth is decayed and has to be removed, we'll have to put in a crown or we'll have to remove the tooth. option two is a root canal, if the decay progresses toward the nerve.

the baron: what?

dentist:...

the baron: ok. the thing is, i just had that filling put in last december, which means that the dentist i saw then did a shoddy job? also, the x-ray you initially pulled up is from last june, which means that the dentist i saw at that time missed the decay in the molar? so, that's kind of two strikes, eh?

dentist: [the dentist actually tried to defend herself and her colleagues, but the baron - super annoyed in this moment - can't actually remember what the dentist said. sorry.]

the baron: so, i should have the filling removed, the decay removed, and a new filling put in?

the dentist: well. the current filling is very securely in place, which means there is no leakage. this means that the decay is within the tooth...

the baron: so, you recommend that i leave the filling in?

dentist: i think so.

the baron: and wait until new x-rays are taken, next june?

dentist: i think that's the best course of action. it's possible that the decay will not spread to the root.

the baron: ok.

dentist: don't worry. we'll check in june.

the baron: i'm not worried.

a short time later, after having left the dentist, after having run her errands, the baron was home and recounting this story. and you know what? she's recounting it through a mouthful of peanut m&ms, so root canal? YOU CAN SUCK IT!

how fun!

a fun game, courtesy of life, period.

eat this!

the baron spent this past weekend in a flurry of sewing and wrapping.

actually, it wasn't so much a flurry as a sat-in-one-spot-on-the-couch-in-her-pajamas-for-two-days kind of experience. reader, she had a lot of work to do, and yes, she's feeling a little defensive about having worn flannel, elastic band pants for two days.

so.

the husband was very supportive of the baron, bringing her tea, and hot chocolate, and toast when she asked him to. also, he did the week's grocery shopping and meal planning for her... which kind of explains why their dinners for the week, in part, go a little something like this: pizza, macaroni and cheese and hot dogs, spaghetti and meatballs.

this meant that the baron spent part of her sunday, still in her pjs, prepping for the week's meals.

this macaroni and cheese and hot dogs? currently chilling in the refrigerator, but totally ready for the oven at a moment's notice. and see? she made two sing serving dishes - cute, right?


these meatballs? currently sharing real estate with the macaroni and cheese and hot dogs; waiting for their saucy, noodle-y bath.

california, because i love you, i am willing to forgive you

california, proposition 8 actually includes the words 'eliminates right', as in eliminates right of same sex couples to marry. as in, what the fuck were you thinking? as in, watch the video below to see JUST HOW STUPID YOU WERE.

the sting, or how low can she go?

reader, the sting... it continues. the dogs, it turns out, are smarter and much more cunning than either the baron or the husband realized. these dogs, they very much remind the baron of that part in 'jurassic park'? the one where laura dern says to sam neill, 'well, we only have to worry if they figure out how to open doors' or something like that (she's referring to those pesky velaceraptors, the ones who killed samuel l. jackson's character, leaving just his arm?). and sam neill says something like, 'yeah, that won't happen.' then the VERY NEXT SHOT is of two velaceraptors opening the kitchen door to make a meal out of those kids?

yep, that's how they see the dogs, like unruly animals who are 1) mostly out for themselves, even if it's to the detriment of the others in the pack and 2) smart.

to wit:

yesterday, the baron drove home, intending to park along the street rather than the driveway - this, she thought would allow her the element of surprise. she would sneak through the gate and creep up the steps, then - she was SURE - catch dexter on the sofa.

but.

the dogs knew she was coming, probably because they've come to recognize the sound of her car. so, instead of surprising them with her stealth and cunning, she pulled up to the curb only to see tucker and dexter peering through the window at her. and, reader, you know what? THEY WERE ON THE LOVE SEAT.

the baron, angry and unwilling to give up, pulled away from the curb and did a turn around the neighborhood, finally parking at the end of her neighbor's driveway. it's a little hard to describe, but this driveway allows a view into the sun room from the opposite side of the room as the front door, i.e. the opposite side of the room from where she had just seen two expectant faces peering out at her. also, there are no stairs on the neighbor's driveway side of the sun room; the baron climbed onto his lawn, which was not quite high enough, to see if she couldn't get a peek into the room.

so.

on the neighbor's not-quite-high-enough lawn, where she could just barely almost see into her own house, the baron started to jump. up and down. you know, to get a better view.

and, because it WOULD happen to her - the neighbor came home. while she was jumping. while her car was almost not quite blocking his driveway. reader, she felt stupid. really, cripplingly stupid.

this feeling did not abate. especially after this exchange:
the neighbor (through the rolled down window of the cab of his truck): the baron, are you ok?
the baron: um, yes.
the neighbor: what are you doing?
the baron: um. ah. i am so embarrassed to say this. i am trying to see into my house to catch one, two or all of my dogs on the furniture. scolding them only works if you catch them IN THE ACT, so i'm, uh, trying to catch them in the act.
the neighbor: ok... i thought maybe someone was in your house.
the baron: yeah... no, just me, trying to spy on my dogs.
the neighbor: well, do you want to climb into the bed of the truck to look in the window?
the baron: thanks, no.

the worst part, even worse than the embarrassment of being caught spying on her own house? dexter was watching the entire exchange. through the window, FROM THE LOVE SEAT.

it's beginning to look a lot like we have to carefullly monitor the dogs so they don't eat the fake tree

last weekend, the baron and the husband decided, in the wake of their thanksgiving bloat, to start the christmas season. they had planned to put up the tree, etc., on friday, but they couldn't find time around their other activities.

so. their holiday decorating waited until saturday. first, they ran some errands, visiting - among other stores - target. the baron was determined, this year, to have a tree skirt around the base of their fake tree. the husband perused the tree skirt aisle and decided that the really nice ones were on the expensive side; the baron kind of concurred: seriously, she thought, $30 for 2 yards of thin fabric and fluffy trim?

so.

the baron, having made holiday stockings for the dogs two years ago, had rather a large amount of holiday-flavored felt left over... felt in the pine green, rudolph's nose red, and snowy, snowy white varieties. she decided she'd make the tree skirt instead.

this activity - the making of the tree skirt - turned out to be an all-day-saturday activity. the baron had a VERY HARD TIME sorting out how, exactly, to sew all her remaindered fabric into a skirt-shaped circle. while working on the VERY HARD PROJECT, she was heard to say, 'who knew? geometry does matter.' additionally, because she is incapable of using her sewing machine, she had to assemble her misshapen tree skirt by hand... a very trying and labor-intensive task indeed.

but.

the baron persevered. by saturday evening, she had completed her skirt; she and the husband pulled out their christmas tree (all plastic-y and forever green) and christmas-time decorations. this event (the slow assembling of the tree, the careful placement of lights, the careless placement of tree ornaments) is one of the baron's favorites, christmas being her favorite holiday and whatnot.

the series of photos* below depict the entire process: the sad, naked tree; the baron and tucker, glad it's done; and a closeup of the finished product.


*yes, reader, this is INDEED the sofa that the dogs are not supposed to be on. tucker was invited, so he's in the clear. also, those blinds behind the sofa? the mangled ones? harlan did that, chewed them into shape so that when he sits on the back of the sofa he can see out the window.

*if you look VERY CLOSELY at this one, you can kind of see the locking mechanism that keeps this faux tree together.

maybe the best thing about their decorations are the motley assembly of plush toys that take their december seats on the sun room shelf. the husband found these, the island of misfit toys toys, at a thrift store, the entire set perched on a waist level shelf, waiting for him. from left to right, they are: the bumble, santa claus, charlie-in-the-box, clarice, yukon cornelius, rudolph the red nosed reindeer, hermey the misfit elf, and sam snowman.

down in the front there, splayed out? that's a flying snowman tree ornament, a gift from one of the husband's sisters. and, yes, his nose is missing, since last year. dexter ate it.



ps: the baron wants to mention that the tree skirt turned out pretty nicely, though the colors exactly echo those in this flag, a fact that did not go unnoticed by the husband or the baron. also, baron loves to sleep on the tree skirt, around the back of the tree... and yes, peering out from behind all that fake foliage, he's pretty much the cutest thing ever.

question: how many french presses is too many french presses?

(answer): (as the husband haggles with the linens n things manager for this coffee maker) 4. 4 is too many french presses.

the sting, again

this morning, the husband played lurker, skulking about under the bedroom window. he's rather more invested in the sting than the baron, seeing how he actually STARTED HIS CAR AND DROVE AWAY TO CONVINCE THE DOGS THAT IT WAS ALL CLEAR. that's dedication, huh?

by the way, the husband had this to say this morning:
harlan, on the bed and very surprised to see my face at the window.
tucker, right behind harlan getting ready to jump on the bed.
dexter, into the office trash quick as lightning; when she saw me, she KNEW what she'd done!

the sting, revisited

today at lunch the baron saw:
mussed and crumpled pillows on the love seat
short black hairs on her bedroom pillow (which was warm to the touch)
small pieces of paper towel pulled from the office trash

today after lunch, the baron again lurked outside the bedroom and sun room windows. she saw:
harlan and tucker on the bed almost immediately after she shut the front door
dexter with one paw tentatively on the sun room love seat

in response, the baron:
banged on the bedroom window like a crazy person, shouting 'HARLAN AND TUCKER GET DOWN'
banged on the front door window, shouting 'DEXTER, INTO BED!'

the sting, or, where did those muffins go?

reader, the baron wants you to know that her dogs are well-behaved. and she wants you to know that she loves them, mostly.

but.

there are some days when the baron's dogs do not seem deserving of love. sometimes, the dogs are jerks, little ones, and sometimes they're BIG ONES.

for example.

last week the baron, happy that the cooler weather made using the oven acceptable, decided to turn 3 rather-past-their-prime bananas into 12 banana muffins. she did this on tuesday evening, and left the muffins on the kitchen island to cool.

wenesday morning, being in rather a rush, the baron didn't bother to bag and refrigerate the muffins. she had done this before, had baked something then left it out IN PLAIN SIGHT to cool.

wednesday noontime, the baron came home for lunch. she disabled the alarm, let the dogs out, exchanged her high heels for house slippers, and made her way to the kitchen for food... when she saw three muffins left on the cooling rack.

just three.

she called the husband.
the baron: how many muffins did you take to work today?
the husband: uh, none.
the baron: none!
the husband: yes, none.
the baron: NONE! there are only three left.
the husband:...
the baron: i know who did this.

the baron did know the name of the responsible, muffin-stealing party. but. what if it wasn't the dog she had in mind? what if was the other one? (the two smallest ones, being on the short side, couldn't have reached the counter top.)

so.

the baron, over her faux-chicken lunch, took stock of the dogs and their collective lifestyle. she thought about how the baron and the husband had begun closing the bedroom and office door when they left the house, making small adjustments to account for the dogs' bad behavior. in the bedroom, the dogs would get up onto the bed, and in the office, they'd get into the trash, pulling papers out all over the floor and shredding them to teeny. tiny. bits. also, the dogs would get up onto the love seat in the sun room, the white love seat, crumpling the pillows and generally making the couch entirely too disgusting to sit on.

the baron decided that these things really bugged her. she remembered that, after all, it was HER house, hers and the husband's! the dogs weren't in charge!

so.

friday, the baron and the husband went out for a bit in the afternoon. they set up a video camera, with a 40-minute tape, to see what the dogs did while on their own.

it turns out, the dogs got up to QUITE A LOT.

for the entire tape, the dogs were restless. for 40 minutes, none of them retired to their beds to sleep. baron barked almost the entire time, which seemed to encourage dexter to bark, then howl. harlan immediately made for the sofa, as did tucker.

unfortunately, much of their activity took place off camera. the husband had aimed the camera at a trash can that had recently been vandalized, a trash can in the living room. when they returned from their outing, however, that trash can was totally unmolested.

but.

the kitchen recycling was strewn across the dining room floor. the baron and the husband had learned nothing! no one had been caught red-pawed. though they had a good idea who pulled the kitchen recycling out, they had no video proof.

so.

friday night, the baron and the husband went out again, to the husband's sister's house. they set up the camera, this time at a new angle, an angle that encompassed more of the living room.

upon their return, some three hours later, the living room trash can was upended, sewing clippings and fabric scraps everywhere. and some sun flower seed shells.

the husband rewound the tape. at the 22 minute mark, DEXTER was plainly seen getting into the trash. she threw it around, ripped the trash bag in a frenzy then abruptly left it in a mess on the couch. not to be outdone, TUCKER approached the mess, nosed around, picked up something in his mouth, then swallowed it.

the preceding story is preamble to this sad turn of events:

on sunday, the baron spent much of her day pretending to leave the house. she packed up her purse, put on a coat and shoes, locked the door, and went down the steps. however, instead of getting into the car, the baron would sneak back up the steps to observe the sun room love seat, the office trash can, and the living room trash can, lurking near the front door. sometimes, she would sneak around the house to lurk under the bedroom widow, craning her neck to see into the room.

she was armed with one walkie talkie; the other walkie talkie was in the bedroom, on the dresser. when tucker and harlan jumped on the bed, the baron said clearly into the walkie talkie, 'get down. into bed.'

in the sun room, the baron caught dexter climbing onto the love seat once. the baron rapped heavily on the window to get her attention, at which point dexter froze in place, then slunk back to the ground and into her bed. she observed harlan (three times!) jumping up onto the love seat. the knock at the window didn't actually phase him, so the baron opened the door and said sternly, 'harlan, get down!'

today, monday, the baron left both the office and bedroom doors open. she is bracing herself for lunchtime, when she goes home to survey the damage.

thanksgiving day, 2006

two years ago this month, the baron, the husband, and their good friend lalee traveled abroad, to italy. the baron and lalee left early in the month, landing in milan. they first worked their way eastward, to venice, then southward, to bologna, then florence (one of the baron's VERY FAVORITE CITIES) and finally to rome. the husband, only able to take one week's vacation, met them in rome, at a beautiful hotel in the via veneto area of town.

it happened that the last days of their trip corresponded with thanksgiving... and you know what, reader? no one in rome gave a damn about the americans' holiday. however, feeling like expatriates in a new and exciting city, the three decided to celebrate thanksgiving the best way they knew how: with a good meal. fortuitously, there was a vegetarian restaraunt near their hotel, il margutta ristorarte.

so.

the photo below is from that meal, and is kind of representative of all their photos from that trip, which is to say, they rarely - if ever - got a good one of all three of them.


also from that trip, this photo of the husband and lalee on a bridge (the name of which escapes the baron) near the vatican. the baron LOVES this picture because they look like they're posing for a catalog... though not the same catalog... lalee is maybe advertising sportswear, and the husband is maybe advertising spywear?

every good dog deserves a bone

a couple of weekends ago, the baron and the husband made the command decision to treat the dogs - REALLY TREAT the dogs - by getting them bones. actual, animal with-marrow-still-in-the-middle beef bones.


each dog got his or her own leg piece; the bigger dogs got bigger bones, the smaller dogs, smaller bones. it wasn't long, though, before the bones and the dogs were all mixed up.


the purchasing of the bones wasn't so bad, as each bone was vacuum-sealed in its own plastic shell. the opening of the bones, though, was ghastly: fyi, vacuum sealed is good for keeping skin from actual bone contact, until it's time to open the packaging. armed with scissors, the baron tried her best to open and distribute the tasty treats without actually touching them.

this didn't work. she washed her hands REALLY good afterward, and discarded the scissors. they were just too gross to contemplate.


for special days, like holiday ones, the baron and the husband give the dogs a special dinner. the baron makes this for them, right along with the humans' dinner; it only seems right, that if the baron and the husband get a special meal, so too should the dogs? usually, this meal consists of tofu and/or lentils with a grain, and a vegetable, and sometimes brewer's yeast for flavor.


the other evening, the baron and the husband were debating what the dogs would eat on thanksgiving:

the husband: let's get them chicken, from chicken mart.
the baron: actual chicken?
the husband: yeah... it might be a nice treat for them.
the baron: like, real chicken, from bones and stuff?
the husband: i dunno... yeah. it might be nice.
the baron: what's chicken mart?
the husband: that place, with the commercials, where you see the chicken?
the baron: do you mean boston market? you want to buy a chicken from boston market?
the husband: what?
the baron: i'm not touching it.

so.

it was decided, lentils and quinoa and sweet potatoes for the dogs on thanksgiving!

bazaar

a couple of weekends ago, the baron and the husband attended the harvest bazaar, hosted by the local elementary school. the bazaar occurs every year; parents of students who attend the school pool their baubles, electronics, books, and other junk, sort it by function (for example, you will see a fry pan and an ice cream maker sharing shelf space, as they can both be broadly defined as 'kitchen'), and invite the neighborhood en mass to attend. it's kind of an awesome tag sale.

last year, the baron and the husband got a bicycle, a cement paw making kit, and a really lovely birdhouse.

this year, they got these fu lion bookends...

and these delicate, green-stemmed glasses...

which immediately brought frangelico to the baron's mind...

which in turn reminded the baron of the first time she tasted frangelico, at a restaraunt in playa langosta, costa rica, on lalee's 28th birthday... sigh.

steady diet of nothing

the baron is subsisting on a steady diet of non-foods, like jello and mashed potatoes, as well as 'tru calling' and 'the real housewives of atlanta'. also, she did not shower yesterday, nor did she brush her teeth. she did floss, though, and she drank the correct amount of water for the day (as directed by her physician). it's not an ideal week off, not really, but at least she's getting some holiday shopping done.

the worst weekend

some conversation from late friday afternoon into evening:

the baron: baron has bloody diarrhea. i think i'd better take him to the doctor?
the husband: call the vet and see what they say.
the baron : ok.

and later:
vet tech (coming out of an exam room): can you move to the other side of the waiting room? this dog coming through isn't very friendly to other dogs.
the baron: ok.

and later:
doctor (approaching the baron and baron in the waiting room, hand extended to shake the baron's hand): hi i'm-
baron: BOOMING BARK
doctor: (quickly withdrawing her hand)
the baron: i'm sorry! he's got a little guarding thing with me.
doctor: it's ok. i'll just take him away from you to do the examination.

and later:
the front desk guy: your total is $225.
the baron: ok.
vet tech (looking for a customer in the waiting room): gandalf? is there a gandalf here?
the baron (under her breath): did he just say gandalf?
front desk guy (under his breath): i think he just said gandalf.

some conversation from saturday into sunday:

3:40 pm-ish:
the baron: hello?
the husband: hello.
the baron: where are you?
the husband: i am in lovely newark, new jersey! the flight is delayed until sometime after 5.
the baron: my stomach still hurts.
the husband: go to the emergency room!
the baron: ...

5pm-ish:
tech: fill this cup with urine. here's a wipe.
the baron: ...
(10 minutes later)
the baron (handing a teeming full cup of urine to the tech): here you go.
tech: thanks.
tech 2 (observing the urine level in the cup): she got her money's worth today...

5:30 pm-ish:
the husband: flight delayed until 6:15.
the baron: ...

7:06 pm:
the husband (via text message): On tarmac still haven't left.

8pm-ish:
a nurse leads the baron into an exam room.
nurse: put this gown on and remove all your clothes.
the baron: all my clothes?
nurse: yes. all your clothes.
the baron: am i having pelvic exam?
nurse (with a nurse ratched-esque cock of the head): mostly likely.

11 pm-ish:
the baron: do you have any chapstick?
the husband: no.

12:30 am-ish:
doctor: how are you feeling?
the baron: fair. i'd say my pain level is around a 4 or a 5.
doctor: hm. unfortunately, the ct scan shows that your appendix is enlarged, with symptoms consistent with appendicitis. we'll call the surgeon, to set up surgery for tomorrow.
the baron: well, can i go home until then?
doctor: uh, no. you'll be staying here.

1 am:
the baron (calling her high school friend, a doctor): hello?
doctor: hello the baron! how are you?
the baron: doctor, i have to ask a professional question of you: i'm in the er and have just been diagnosed with appendicitis. they want to operate on me later this morning. should i do it, or should i get a second opinion?
doctor: you should NOT wait. have it done as soon as possible. if you wait, there's a chance that your appendix could burst, which will complicate the surgery. if your appendix is intact, they can do the surgery laprascopically, which is fairly easy. also, the healing time is shorter.
the baron: ok. thanks for the good advice. the husband will be in touch to let you know how it goes.
doctor: you'll be fine. i'll be waiting to hear from the husband.

1:30 am-ish:
(the phone rings in baron's er room)
the baron: hello?
surgeon: ms. the baron? this is the doctor. you're having abdominal pain?
the baron: yes.
surgeon: for how long?
the baron: since about 7:30 saturday.
surgeon: and where is it?
the baron: in my abdomen, on the lower right side.
surgeon: as you know, your ct scan came back with signs of appendicitis. it's important that we operate soon to remove the appendix. we will most likely go in laprascopically, which means we'll make three small incisions in your abdomen. using cameras, we'll remove the appendix that way.
the baron: uh. have you done this surgery before? are you good at it?
surgeon: oh, yes. i have done it many, many times before.
the baron: uh, if the incisions are small, how will you remove the appendix?
surgeon: we'll put in a bag, inside your abdomen, and then we'll pull it through one of the holes. the holes will stretch.
the baron: uh.

7:30 am-ish:
(phone rings in the baron's new hospital room)
the baron: hello?
surgeon: hello, ms. the baron? this is the doctor. i've scheduled your surgery for 8:30 am.
the baron: ok.
surgeon: someone will be in to get you around then.
the baron: ok.

8:45 am-ish:
anesthesiologist: have you had surgery before?
the baron: yes. last november.
anesthesiologist: what'd you have done?
the baron: thyroidectomy.
anesthesiologist: how did you do with the anesthesia? handled it no problem?
the baron: fine, it was fine.
anesthesiologist: ... so, november's not a great month for you.
the baron: i know, right?
the husband: maybe next november you can have your ovaries removed!
the baron: ha!

2 pm-ish:
(post surgery)
the husband (opening the baron's hospital room door): hello! i brought some stuff for you.
the baron: yay!
the husband (unpacking the bag): here. i brought some chopsticks - a single one from home, and a pair of takeout ones.
the baron: is there food in that bag?
the husband: no? i thought you could only have liquids?
the baron: (thinking)
the husband: and, here's your t-shirt from the rinard gallery! and here's your shoes, and a sweatshirt because it's coooold outside!
the baron: did you bring any chapstick?
the husband (holding up the chopsticks): yes, right here!
the baron: i said chapstick. why would i want chopsticks in the hospital?

3:30 pm-ish
(on the way home)
the baron: can you believe i had surgery this morning?
the husband: well, if you have one organ removed every year you won't have to worry about weight gain.
the baron: true.

blog this

the husband is in new orleans, at a conference that is teaching how to, um, blog.
so far, his morning's work:
dr. donkey kong

the second bathroom, the nasty one

reader, the baron is embarrassed about the photos below, of the master bedroom bathroom. it's a rather smaller bathroom than the first one, and has just a shower. a pop-in fiberglass shower. with a travertine tile border at the bottom, laid out OVER, and stuck to, the fiberglass. you know what? the baron is throwing up in her mouth a little right now.

in this before photo, the narrowness of the bathroom is obvious, right? it's just a tiny, tiny room. this bathroom has the same 'before' tile as the first one, and the same faux-marble style laminate vanity.

the baron and the husband wanted, of course, to remove the shower and replace it with a tile shower, which meant building a lip where the glass door would sit. this - the laying of the shower basin - was beyond their bathroom related experience. so... the baron and the husband hired someone to do it for them! below, you can see the walls are removed, though the fiberglass shower basin remains.

below, no fiberglass remains, and the shower walls are on their way! also, at this point, the toilet and the vanity are gone. the baron and the husband, by the way, decided to use the same new toilet and pedestal sink as they had in the first bathroom.

the shower, the shower basin, are complete. if you look closely, reader, you can see that the subway tile also extends onto the walls of the bathroom. isn't it so pretty?

next, the floors and the shower doors are installed. still no toilet, but don't worry reader... they got one eventually!

lastly, the paint and the shower fixtures. pink isn't for everyone, the baron and the husband realize, but it's a much more muted pink than appears here. also, they got the paint from the sale table at home depot for $5, and frankly, after what they had already spent on the bathrooms, settling for cheap pink paint seemed like a grand idea. also, there's the baron, caulking the shower head.

the first bathroom, the ugly one

the west willow house came equipped with standard bathrooms and bathroom fixtures... standard for the 1970s. the baron and the husband saw potential in those bathrooms, though: once they moved in, they immediately began plans to renovate them. the first one, the guest one, was actually rather large. large enough to fit the usual bathroom suspects (sink, toilet, tub/shower), but also a narrow wardrobe and a chair. also, reader? the houses in phoenix come with cement sub-floors, which made the tiling SUPER easy for the baron (one day, the baron will regale you with the story of how SHE HATES HER CURRENT BATHROOM'S FLOOR BECAUSE IT WAS TOO HARD TO TILE DUE TO THE WOOD SUB-FLOOR. ahem.).

so.

behold the ugly bathroom, as they found it:

so ugly. so, so ugly.

so, so ugly. the baron threw up a little in her mouth, just remembering this bathroom.

they couldn't salvage the drywall behind the shower tile, so they just cut it all out. also, the husband hated the fixtures, so this big gaping drywall hole? easy access for new, better plumbing.


the toilet and that so, so ugly vanity were the next to go. the husband, teaching himself plumbing on the fly, shows the sink pipes who's boss. or rather, he tries to show the sink pipes who's boss... the end of this picture is that the husband called a plumber.

the floor tile was also pulled out, as was the old tub. the baron and the husband stripped the room to the studs, and to the sub-floor. below, the baron is installing drywall.

below, reader, you can see the results of the baron's hard work (and her mad joint compound skills). around the shower, they used hardibacker over vinyl 'repels water and mold' sheeting. pretty tidy looking, eh? also, notice the new floor creeping in? the baron did all the tiling in this bathroom, and - if she does say so herself - it looks pretty good.


new sink, new toilet, new baseboard and wall tile. the baron and the husband decided on 3in x 6in high gloss subway tile for the walls. they wanted the bathroom to be bright and clean, and reminiscent of an old-timey subway station.

new fixtures, including a brushed stainless steel light fixture and simple black mirror.

new bathtub, and - eventually - a new shower head and knobs, all in brushed stainless steel. though you can't really tell, reader, the bathroom is painted a pale, minty green... this bathroom, this beautiful bathroom, became the baron's favorite room in the house!

the life

phoenix, though ultimately not for them, was good to the baron and the husband. below, scenes from their life there. and, reader? the dogs totally did that to themselves.